BUT ITS SO SUNNY AND HAPPY OUTSIDE TODAY
SO MUCH FUN TIMES COULD BE HAD THIS SUMMER
AND YOU’RE RUINING IT
I feel sick in the stomach. I wish people would just tell you what they’re thinking and feeling so we weren’t constantly guessing. Not only are we guessing, but we are jumping to conclusions, sometimes negative conclusions. I feel like a crazy bitch. A paranoid, crazy bitch. But she’s the one not texting, not giving away any feelings anymore.
How can “relationships” (if it was even considered one) go from so good to so bad?
After one month she was getting intense. I was getting adorable texts and felt like she was really into me. It’s slowly been easing off and now I’m constantly questions whether she cares about me at all. Of course i’m going to be paranoid! I don’t believe this makes me a “crazy bitch.”
I’m much happier when i’m seeing someone. My eyes light up, I’m smiling all the time, I feel on top of the world. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m someone who wants to find a partner to share my life with. Not necessarily “settle down” in every sense, but find someone to settle into, and go on all of the adventures with. Someone with ambition for their own life, career, explorations, but is happy to do that with me and my own ambition.
I feel like this is very hard to find. People of this generation are so selfish (including myself) and I want to be looked after. Although I am very much a romantic and I would do almost anything for love. Not in a desperate way, but in the sense that if I had someone that I loved and that loved me, I would do anything for them. I would go anywhere for them. I want to make them happy.
See this girl isn’t making me happy anymore. I’m not lighting up the way I used to. My hearts beating faster but that’s because I’m never sure if maybe she isn’t interested anymore and might tell me she doesn’t want to see me anymore. I feel anxious. It’s not very fun.
But i’m seeing her tomorrow night (unless she bails on me, which is likely). If only she hadn’t won me over so far in the beginning, I would be able to walk away just as easily as I feel like she is. But she’s so beautiful. She has these dimples, and when I make her smile they are so deep and genuine. She is so intelligent, she subscribes to the Economist Magazine and has so much ambition, it sometimes makes me jealous. But I really just admire her. And she has such a great sense of humor, always making me laugh when I least expect it. I have no idea what’s going on in that beautiful mind of hers, but I wish I did. I want to know what shes thinking or feeling. I want to know what she thinks of me - am I beautiful in her eyes? Does she think I’m not smart enough for her? Does she think I lack ambition?
There I go being selfish again. It’s not about me. I know that. That’s why I spoilt her. I bought her flowers and made her dinner and brought chocolate to her house. I want her to feel good. I want to make her happy, and feel cared for.
If only someone out there wanted to do the same for me.
I feel so alone here. I feel so unfocused. Lost.
They don’t teach us in school how to deal with these feelings. Well you know what, they kind of did. Only because I took ‘Health’ in grade 11 and 12. Listen to music. Cuddle an animal. Go for a walk.
1. I don’t have a dog anymore.
2. I need to study or I’m going to fail.
3. If I go out in public I will just be crying and no one wants to see that.
Fuck you, Health class!
Fuck you, women’s hormones! Stop fuelling my anxiety and self-doubt!
Am I feeling better after this rant? No.
Someone come and give me cuddles…!!! I need them ALL.
Ask me anything.